Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
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My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today