Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
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Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!