7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
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Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
me hooking up with my ex
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.