“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
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Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
excuse me
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”