Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
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I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
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I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here