The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
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Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Bike is short for Bichael.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
My loaf of bread looks terrified
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.