According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
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Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship