I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
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I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.