Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
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You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.