This was my dad’s browser history.
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the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.