Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
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If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*