I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
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One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
How dude HOW?!
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband