Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
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Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Important reminders
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
what it’s like dating me:
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Always a metermaid never a meter
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.