If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
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Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
#gardening
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.