She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
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I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”