I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Please do it!
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.