ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
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Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline