[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
You Might Also Like
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”