We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
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The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one