Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
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Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
how high up are we talkin’?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.