“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
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“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
buying dead houseplants to save time
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy