I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
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Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.