9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
You Might Also Like
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
unbelievably distressed by this ad
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Customer is always right
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work