I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
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Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Thrilling chase underway
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s