Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
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Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
incredible
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I identify as an antique shop.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.