me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
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Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.