-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
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“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*