[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
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Put this video in the Louvre
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
The prophecy is fulfilled
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
<- sleeps well with others
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™