There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
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Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I’m aging like a fine banana
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*