JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
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To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”