Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
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ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Body by Oreos
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.