[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
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When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
me refusing to leave twitter
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?