dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
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washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Are we there yet?…
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying