Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
You Might Also Like
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean