If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
You Might Also Like
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
fourth time’s the charm
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
I would like even faster food.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.