me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..