Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
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Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside