“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
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WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Cats are still liquid.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Monday
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins