NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
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Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I’m a self-made hundredaire
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
omg leave her alone
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.