Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
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*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I bet birds love this building.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.