Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
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Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
You better watch out
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Breaking news:
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]