*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
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I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.