OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
You Might Also Like
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Tier 3 meme
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.