3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
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I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS