Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
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6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.