A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
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[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Whoa 😂
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.