Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
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GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.