Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
You Might Also Like
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”