On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
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DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Very good! 👍😂
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
My beach vacation Google searches
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?