Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
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I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS